Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) Review

I have been waiting for this day for a long time. Today, I'm going to vent out the much needed anger against a disappointing entry into one of my all-time favorite franchises, explaining why it sucks just as much in 2D as it probably does in 3D. The Star Wars legacy is masterful in just about every way. The original 1977 movie (which I will most likely review sometime next year) was a technical astonishment when it was first released and continues to be regarded as a masterpiece of cinema thanks to its well-developed and fun characters and its imaginative universe, and the sequels were, for the most part, basically given the same appreciation. A series of prequels to the classic movies seemed pretty ideal. Dwelling into the development of the anger within Darth Vader in his young state as Anakin Skywalker seemed pretty interesting. Unfortunately, all we get from The Phantom Menace is a borefest of one-dimensional characters, a padded story, and visuals that, in all honesty, have lost their lust these days.

Now, before I start, let me clear up one thing real quick. I am not lashing out on all the prequels. Just Phantom Menace. I'll probably review the other prequels when they are re-released in 3D, but just to sum them up, I don't think they're as bad as everyone says. This one, on the other hand, is just as bad as everyone says.

The movie starts off with the usual text scroll prologue. The Trade Federation has set up a blockade around the small planet Naboo and plan to send a battle droid army to invade the planet. Two Jedi Knights; Qui-Gon Jinn, played by Liam Neeson, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, played by Ewan McGregor; are sent to negotiate a settlement. The Viceroy of the Trade Federation, Nute Gunray, sends his droids to kill the Jedi, but they evade the attack and quickly escape onto one of the Federation's ships so they can land on the planet and warn (or rather rescue) the planet's Queen Amidala. They save the queen and get her onto a silver starship so they can travel to the technological planet of Coruscant and bring their case to the Republic Senate. But after taking heavy damage from an attack by the blockade, they have to land on a nearby planet called Tattooine, which is apparently out of the Federation's range, to repair it. While there, they come across a boy named Anakin Skywalker, played by Jake Lloyd, who befriends them, gives them shelter, and even offers to enter a pod race so they can get the money they need to repair the ship. In return, Qui-Gon, seeing that the boy has the gift of the Force, decides to free him so that he can take him with them in order to train him as a Jedi.

BTW, if you think I'm throwing around too many fancy words in that description without knowing entirely what they mean, the movie's equally as guilty of that.

My biggest problem with this movie is that, apart from Anakin being recruited to become a Jedi (and even then, they only briefly go over how his thoughts dwell into the fear of losing his mother), the story has no involvement with the Star Wars legacy, thus failing its purpose as a prequel. Why should I care about what happens to Naboo? The planet has never had any involvement in the original movies, so losing that planet wouldn't have any effect on the series at all. Maybe if they used a planet that would be the home of one of the characters in the future, like Alderaan where Princess Leia would grow up, I would care more. But Naboo? Even the name shouts out "WE PULLED THIS RIGHT OUT OF OUR ASS!" Some of you might have some explanations within the expanded universe as to why Naboo is important in the legacy, but I shouldn't have to look all that up. A movie should be able to stand on its own, or in the case of prequels and sequels, with other movies. Doing all that research just takes the fun out of watching movies.

Even when looking at the movie on its own, it still makes me wonder why I should care. I mean, okay, the Trade Federation has set up a blockade around Naboo. So, are they holding something that the Federation wants to keep on the planet? Is it vitally important that the people of Naboo trade it? DETAILS, MAN, DETAILS! You can't just expect us to go along with whatever you put on screen. In fact, that's basically all the movie is. They just put a bunch of pretty pictures on screen and expect us to go along with it (and we'll get to why that doesn't work in a minute) when I won't. I don't care if Amidala makes it to Coruscant. I don't care if Anakin wins the Pod Race. Heck, I'm not even sure if the Trade Federation will do anything that bad to the people of Naboo. You could argue that the Federation wants to kill the Queen, but they wouldn't do that because they're too scared to do anything illegal (but again, we'll get to that in a minute).

Obviously, Naboo's not holding anything vitally important, and Palpatine, the senator who "secretly" sets himself up as the Sith Lord known as Darth Sidious, just wanted to set up a conflict that would cause Amidala to call for new leadership so that he can become Chancellor, and that brings up several holes. First of all, knowing that the queen would give into the temptation and that he would win the election among other candidates is pretty pompous. Secondly, you'd have to be a little more clever than to just set up a blockade for no reason. I mean, I get why he chose Naboo; because he's from Naboo and has connections with the Queen; but wouldn't she question why they set up a blockade? Wouldn't anyone question why there's a blockade there? I mean, I know they're politicians, but they can't be that stupid. That leads me to my third point; they don't believe her about the blockade and recommend that they send someone to investigate. MY GOD, CHANCELLOR, YOU JUST SENT TWO JEDI TO NEGOTIATE A SETTLEMENT! OF COURSE THERE'S A FRIGGIN BLOCKADE!

Another reason why the story doesn't work is because the characters are unbelievably bland. The characters in the original movies felt alive; they were believable, they were a lot of fun, and they were relatable due to their conflicts. The characters here have no conflicts. They just drag through the plot without any arcs, purpose, or accomplishments. They're just as boring in the beginning as they are at the end. On top of that, they're given no distinguishable personalities, apart from the infamous Jar Jar Binks, who again is given no purpose and is a lot less funny than the writers give him time to be. It's a shame too, because the cast here is actually really talented, but they're not given enough to work with and therefore deliver pretty dull performances.


And before I forget, let's talk about the Trade Federation. These guys are pathetic. The Empire from the original movies were power-hungry and would stop at nothing to obtain what they want. These guys always get worried about what's "legal". Now, I understand why this is the way it is. This was during the time when legal power was a lot bigger in scale. In the original movies, the Senate had been dissolved and the regional governors were given direct control over their territories. But you know what I would like to see? A Trade Federation that cleverly did many things through the loopholes in the legal system. These guys are f**king wimps!

Many people tend to see the crap factor of the plot and still favor the movie for its technical astonishment. Yeah, those visuals were impressive back then, blockbusters wouldn't be what they are today without them, yada yada yada..... Look, I'm not a historian, okay? I'm just a guy who likes to watch movies. I don't care how impressive the visuals were back then. All that matters is what I think now, and to be honest, they're not that impressive for me. If all I'm looking for in a movie is state-of-the-art CG technology, then I could name at least five movies of this generation that look ten times better than this. These days, CGI this "good looking" can be seen in TV specials, such as that on the SyFy channel. This is the reason why movies should be more than just visually impressive. Perhaps in ten years, this will be exactly what I think of movies like Alice in Wonderland or Tron Legacy.

Though to be fair, I won't go as far as to say this movie would've been better if it used organic effects, because to be fair, I think organic effects are just as cheesy as the overabundance of CGI. My problem with the visuals lies less with the CGI itself and more with what images said CGI presents. While the images aren't as insulting as, say, the robotic testicles in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, they're still pretty lame. Just as an example, most of the battle droids look more like the skeletons of droids, and as a result, the Jedi and even the Queen's gunners can take them down in a heartbeat. The other problem is that it spends way too much time forcing us to look at the visuals to a point of being pretentious. In fact, 90% of the movie relies on constantly "looking" at flashy pictures. People are constantly put onto blue screens, and there are a lot of scenes where the action just continuously piles up, such as the Pod Race and the final battle. Much like the characters, all that action serves no purpose because there's never any conflict.

All of this adds up to a disappointing entry into the Star Wars legacy. It's not one of the worst blockbusters out there, but taking into consideration the bland characters, boring and uneven story, and the technical wizardry that ultimately delivers forgettable images, the only thing it has left from the original movies is the name "Star Wars".

Do I even need to give a rating?

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