Conan the Barbarian (2011) Review

When I started this blog, I told myself that I would not simply limit myself to the films that I think I would enjoy. Obviously, I don't get paid to write these reviews, and in that regard, I had attempted to only see the films that I thought I would like. It worked for a while, but then I ignored the reviews for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and to this day, it still ranks up as the worst film I've seen this year. So, what I figured I would do when I started this blog is attempt to see and review films that I would have a lot to say about. Hell, I was never even interested in seeing the first theatrical release I reviewed here. So, with that in mind, you could probably guess why I went to see the new reboot of Conan the Barbarian. The most advertising I had seen for this film was a trailer that showed fading glimpses of the film, one clip of a scene where the leader of a village was training young warriors, and the poster you see above. All of that looked horrendous, and the fact that it was released in the dead of summer didn't help at all. Also, the most I've seen of the classic Schwarzenegger films can be seen in the Nostalgia Critic's reviews. So, as you can imagine, I had no hype for this film, but since the only new release coming out in my local theater tomorrow is Zoe Saldana's generic revenge thriller, Columbiana, I figured now would be the time to act. So, I hope you appreciate what I've done to get this review out, because this film is horrendous beyond belief.



The film starts off with a confusing prologue narrated by Morgan Freeman, then cuts to a village where Corin, played by Ron Perlman, is training his young recruits, including his son Conan, played by Leo Howard. Soon after this, however, the village is attacked by an army led by Khalar Zym, played by Stephen Lang. It turns out that Corin is holding the last piece of a mask that will summon evil spirits and make Khalar a god. After Khalar swipes the last piece from him, he leaves Corin and Conan to their death. Conan survives and lives on for many years (transitioning to a grown-up played by Jason Momoa), going from village to village, freeing slaves and killing their dictators. Meanwhile, Khalar is searching for a so-called "pureblood" whose blood is the last key to summoning his spirits; in this case, a monk named Tamara, played by Rachel Nichols. Conan is bent on killing Khalar because he killed his father, so he gets mixed into the attempt at stopping him.


Or some sh** like that.


You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of filmmakers thinking they can throw together any random geometrical shapes and calling it "artistic" or "interesting." Granted, I do like such art when it's given to a sculpture, drawing, or painting. However, the whole idea behind cinema is to visually tell a story, so for me, every image thrown on screen has to serve some kind of purpose in order for it to work. You can't just throw any random shapes on screen and expect us to be immediately intrigued. It'll just look silly that way! When this film knows what it's doing, it can be very beautiful to look at. Like I said, I've only seen bits and pieces of the Schwarzenegger films, but this film definitely does not have the same cheap feel as the pieces of those films that I have seen. The problem, however, is that I don't even think these filmmakers knew what they were doing most of the time. A lot of the images thrown on screen are confusing, pointless, and actually kind of disturbing. It should also be mentioned that the CGI is pretty flat and the lighting is a little too low-key.


The characters are utterly one-dimensional, and there's literally no development given to anyone. We never see Conan interacting with his father and are therefore given no reason to care when he dies. Once more, the relationship between Conan and Tamara feels like a forced and half-assed excuse to throw a love interest into the movie. It doesn't help much that the only time the performances aren't overplayed is when they're underplayed, and that only happens with Momoa, Nichols, and Perlman, while the other actors chew the semi-impressive scenery. Seriously, just because you growl and/or stress every word you say does not mean your character has a personality!


The action scenes suffer from some of the worst editing I've seen in a film. I don't usually notice if a film has bad editing, but this is so sloppy that it becomes incredibly obvious. The film thinks that using all sorts of multiple shots cut at a split second will make the action exhilarating, but the reality is that coherence is the first step to creating exhilaration. Like I said, the film has a lot of low-key lighting, so it's often times hard to tell what anyone's even doing.


Conan the Barbarian is just as bad as it looks. The story is an incoherent mess of "epic" fantasy cliches. The visual style, while more impressive than what I've seen of the Schwarzenegger films, is random and unappealing. The characters are one-dimensional, they're given no development throughout the film, and the performances are weak. The action scenes are poorly edited and incoherent. It's a good example of how bad an attempt at a blockbuster can get, and even as cheap as they look, Schwarzenegger's films couldn't possibly be as bad as this.